Chapter One: The Past.
I hate explosions. I really do. But yet the explosive sounds of fireworks and firecrackers are violently happening out there. My poor little baby is having trouble sleeping with all those noise happening around my neighborhood.
Wait. He’s my love.He’s sleeping beside me. His head twitches a little in rhyme with the movement of my fingers on this noisy keyboard. Maybe it’s because his head is resting on my forearm, and that makes it a little bit difficult for me to type away, typing away this story.
This dull story is about my love life, which I haven’t any.
Oh, you probably wondering who was I talking about earlier, who sleeps beside me and his head twitches and all? Oh yes. He’s my cat. I know. What a pathetic life I’m living in right now. I am becoming what I’m scared the most, a spinster.
Hell, I’m only 25.
Then again, 25 years without a single boyfriend might have made me the most unluckiest,saddest, and pardon my tears, the most unworthy human being. Maybe it’s just my self-conscious but it is reality. I’ve been told again and again to not feel that way, to be grateful for what I am,to have confidence in myself, to be patient and wait for the One, to think that I am actually a lucky person for not having to endure the pain of heartbroken, oh the list is endless. But what do they know about me? What road have they taken to suddenly become my personal advisor? Don’t get me wrong, they’re my beloved friends. I love them so much. I love their advises, but it’s just… they didn’t stuck inside my head for long. I am sorry.
Probably I am not worth to be advised even?
Life is life. I know what people are talking about. No love is greater than love for God, and what more important is my faith and one true love dedicated to God. I know all that. It’s just I haven’t really…found it yet.
Who am I to find the greatest love when I couldn’t even find a love amongst human?
It really is easy to say rather than to do it.
But let’s not talk about religion here, and I am surely not the right person to elaborate on that.
I found my problem. I don’t even love myself. Yay. I am my own shrink.
I never consider myself to be beautiful, pretty, or decent looking even. Sometimes I can’t accept when people addressed me as ‘a girl’, or ‘a woman’. I am like that Britney Spears song; “Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman.”I usually think myself as just ‘a female’. Oh dear, I really have looked down on myself haven’t I? What brings me to this state actually?
I am not blaming anyone,but let’s go back in time, about twelve years ago, when I was thirteen.
I was a teenager, duh. Entered high school life with raging female hormones, I practically had a crush on every boy in school. Even the boys who accidentally looked at me, I had a crush on. Let alone the boys in the class upstairs, who every day teased me by calling my name, and teased their friend by pairing me up with him. When I finally got to look at his face (their friend), I fell in love. Well, I wouldn’t admit to call it love but it is actually my first…encounter of something similar to love. I experienced the‘my-heart-beats-everytime-I-saw-him’ bullshit for the first time.I didn’t know how to control myself. I don’t have a sister to tell me NOT TO call his house phone to speak to him, I don’t have a young aunt to FORBID me from writing a love letter in a fancy silver-inked pen, my mom never knew about this so she never told me NOT TO ask him later; “Did you get my letter? I wrote it in silver ink.”
I pitied myself back then. I was an idiot when it comes to these things. Fuck, I still am.
Right, back to the teenager crush thing. After I sent him the heartfelt letter telling him that I like him and I want him to reply my letter, he replied it.
I was overwhelmed, and ecstatic to get his first letter of reply when my classmate, also his cousin gave it to me. And I read on.
The letter started with a nice greeting, made him look like a fine gentleman. The content after the greeting is somewhat..insulting. He said in his letter, that I am out of my league for him. That I look like a pig, with a snout even.That I am the ugliest he’s ever seen. That I am fat. Then he ended the letter with another nice greeting.
I froze as I read on the letter. My classmate who is his cousin snatched the letter away from me to read it to herself. She felt sorry for me and mildly cursed her cousin for joking around on me. I found out that his friends, the other boys in the class upstairs, were merely joking around when they called my name, and paired me up with him. It was all because I am fat. Fat people get teased all the fucking time. I am not an exception. What was I supposed to do? I did not cry. Hell I was strong. I didn’t know what to react upon rejection back then. I find it hard to process all those words in the letter inside my head.But eventually it finished processing, and stuck inside my head until now, thirteen years later.
I still had crushes on people, but that’s about it. No more letter, no more house calls. I was building a brick wall around me. Except for one boy.
After the letter incident, I refused to look at the class upstairs. I loathed them,especially him, for calling me a pig but deep inside I have agreed with him. I managed to get over him, and had a crush on another boy.This time, he’s older. Probably will be more mature in his rejection, later, who knows? This high school senior of mine is really cute. I had a crush on him openly. My friends knew, my teachers knew, his friends knew. OHGODWHY. Seriously what was I thinking?
I liked him to the extent that I went to his classroom and tidied up his study table. Whoa,what tongue twister that is. Anyway, his friend who sat beside him knew I came in the classroom almost every afternoon to tidy up his books, and.. I don’t know, being like I was already the girlfriend or something? Pfft. I even told the friend to not tell him I was there. But did he actually keep that secret? I bet he didn’t.
I liked him long enough.But my heart didn’t jump when I saw him. It’s just I liked to look at him, and listened to his voice. For three years I kept my feelings to myself, only that the feelings were actually known forever by my friends. I don’t know if somebody actually told him,or he really knew it all along, because later in the same third years that I liked him, he moved. He fucking moved away. I really shouldn’t flatter myself for thinking that he switched school for me, but all those brick walls I’m building was coming up faster the moment I knew he moved to another school. I faced rejection yet again. Onlythis time, it wasn’t verbal.
I was thinking to myself,maybe I do look like a pig. Maybe he moved away because he knew that I liked him so he was freaked out. I don’t really know.
That was the last time I had a crush on somebody to the extent that I made a move.
Later on, I grew up, many crushes to fill in but I am being nothing more than invisible. The rejections I experienced were no more than finding out that they have somebody else. Somebody better, prettier and more beautiful than me.
Right now, my only crush is someone I befriend with. I was so afraid that I’d lose him as a friend so I decided to just burn down those feelings and stomp on its ashes. It worked for a while, but seeing him again, with his silly bulging round eyes and messy hair made that fire sparked again. I really don’t want to go down that road anymore. I pray that I will soon forget this feeling, so he could just be my friend.
My cat who is still sleeping on my forearm right now is the only one who doesn’t judge me by my looks, or my pig face and pig body. I know he would love me unconditionally. I just hope I could find someone like that one day.
Chapter Two: Advantages inTalents.
Well, pardon my ugly face. But I’m here, and you’re reading so get over it. Unless you decided to close this blog and delete your browser history, then bye-bye.
Do I have a talent?
I hate to brag. Seriously I do. But I do have a few talents. But what does that have to do with my non-existence love life?
Right, despite how many talents I have, I am still that ugly person who will never be attractive no matter how hard I tried.
Guitar, check. It made me look more like a guy rather than a girl. Sometime I wonder am I really a girl? I behaved like a guy. I have the mind of a girl, but the behavior of a guy. Wtf.
Singing, so-so. There are people who sing better than me.
Drawing, I am too lazy to explore my abilities.
That’s about it I think.
Nothing much going on inmy life.
ChapterThree: The Confirmation.
Ah, the wonders of iPad.Slowly learning to become an Apple user, I struggle to find that iPad really do affect me in my life. Not that it has anything to do with this blog, but just for sharing. I just bought myself the new iPad.Yeay!
Right, the confirmation.What does it mean actually?
Today I learned something that isn’t really new but nevertheless it hurts me the same.There’s a guy in my workplace called me ugly behind my back. What have I done wrong to him? I don’t fucking know but right now I feel like I wanna rip his fucking head off and left it floating in the Dead Sea.
I should be getting used to these, but since my first letter of rejection, no one else has ever dared to call me ugly and letting me find out. But this guy.Alas.
Then again. I am ugly. I know. It’s just..hurts to get confirmation like this. All I can do is to accept the fact. The end.
